Staying Vertical With God

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His." George McDonald

I am going to back up about five months, grab your hand and walk you through the most painful event in my life, exposing deep pain but also sharing how God has been at my side from the moment I felt something could be seriously wrong with Lori. I am trusting God and relying not on my strength or understanding. Much of what I will share over the next few months I would much rather keep to myself because my thoughts, reactions and emotions are at times embarrasing and ugly. I am human and fear how some may judge me. However, God has asked me to be obedient, to trust Him and to act as a vessel to expose my suffering but also to display the depth of love and healing He will provide. I want you to understand that God is real, consistent and never waivering. God promises in Psalms 34:18 that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit." I am living proof of this truth.

Well, give me your hand and let's take a walk.

June 16, 2008 started out very uneventfully. I was up early, couple quick cups of coffee, a quick read of the newspaper and then I slipped out of the queit house to allow my eight-month-pregnant bride and our boys more time to sleep. Nothing more peaceful than a house filled with sleeping kids. It was a beautiful summer morning, birds chirping and sun shining. My commute to work is a whopping four minutes. I am a creature of habit and this day was no different. I walked into my office, booted my computer and then reached for my Bible and devotional. I start every day with my Bible reading and daily devotional. Good stuff in before the junk of the day begins to overwhelm.

I flipped to the daily devotion and began to read the words though my mind was wandering to the tasks in front of me- email, phone calls and meetings. I pushed through the devotion, like I have on numerous other days, trying to get to the end and check it off my to-do-list. Satisfy the daily obligation then get on with the busy day. Then I got to the last line and God jumped off the page and grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me back to reality: "No matter what problem you face today, stay vertical with God." What a powerful statement. He had my attention. Crud, what problem is coming my way? Are we going to lose a client today? In a million years I would have never guessed it would be the first day that I would hear the word cancer and my wife's name mentioned in the same sentence.

As the day progressed, the words continued to echo in my head but by late afternoon the day seemed productive and without incident except Lori had called and said she felt the pneumonia from last month had not cleared and she was going to the doctor. The doctor ordered a chest x-ray and said they would call later with the results.

I walked in the house at 5PM, ate quickly and then we hustled to get the boys to our church- Northview Christian Church- for the kickoff of Vacation Bible School. We signed the boys in, got them situated and then went home to finish some chores. The doctor had left a message and said it was indeed pneumonia and had spread to another lobe of her lung and she could either come to the hospital tonight or in the morning. We talked and decided it made more sense to get checked in and start IV antibiotics and get this kicked so I went with her to Hendricks Regional and sat with her as she started the admitting process. At a little before 9PM I gave her a kiss, rubbed her belly and the baby growing inside her then went to pick up the boys and get them home and in bed.

The following morning I was up at 5:50AM and then the telephone rang at 6 AM. I was sitting in our living room rubbing sleep from my eyes and trying to muster the energy to make a pot of coffee. I looked at the caller ID and it was Hendricks Regional Hospital so I knew Lori was checking in to see how we had slept. Little early, but she knows I am an early riser. No big deal, or so I thought.

"Mike,...." Her voice was even, controlled and focused for such an early hour. Very unusual and I sensed it immediately.

"Yes," I answered with trepidation.

"I need you to call your mom and have her call all her friends and start praying."

Praying? For what? I thought. Pneumonia can be nasty but nothing antibiotics cannot cure in a perfectly healthy young woman.

"Why?" I asked.

"The ER doctor reviewed the chest xray and noticed some abnormalities with my lymph nodes in my chest," said Lori. Her voice was calm and emotionless. No sense of fear. "So they did a CT scan about midnight. It's lymphoma."

I was trying to process a CT Scan then it sunk in that she had said lymphoma.

"Lymphona," I said. Sleep had escaped my eyes and I was now sitting up. "What do you mean lymphoma?"

"It's lymphoma," she replied. "They are probably going to deliver baby DeLaney in the next couple days and start treatment."

Holy crud! My mind was racing in twenty different directions. Lymphona is cancer. Cancer kills people. My wife has cancer? DeLaney is not ready to be born. She is a month away from due date. We have two boys. My wife has never been sick. They have read this wrong. This is a country hospital, what do these doctors know? Come on God, I am Mike McCarty, this cannot happen to my family. Remember, we serve you. This happens to other people, not us. Come on God you see my two boys. You know how much I love her. You wouldn't do this to my wife. You would not allow this to happen to our kids. She is pregnant. Can't be happening. No way.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut by a two ton gorilla. I tried to breathe but nothing was coming in and nothing was going out of my lungs. I have felt fear on numerous occassions as a police officer while wrestling a gun from the hands of a man we were trying to arrest (and he later killed a fellow officer). I felt fear on September 11, 2001 as I stood in a federal building in Washington D.C. and awaited an afternoon meeting at the Pentagon and then the terror strikes began. I felt fear as I made my way through a sea of hundreds of thousands of people fleeing Washington D.C. but I had no place to go. But I have never felt such a debilitating fear in my life as what I was feeling at that moment in my quiet living room. Fight or flight. I had always been able to focus and fight. Not now. I felt the fear knocking me to the ground. I was freaking out. Totally out of character for me. I pride myself on being the protector of my family and I had no idea what to do.

Calmly, Lori said, "it is okay" which was for me. Always worrying about everybody else. They had told her she had lymphoma at midnight but she waited until 6 am to call because she wanted me to get a good nights sleep. So my bride, eight months pregnant, sat in an emergency room all night after being diagnosed with cancer. All by herself.

I dialed my mom's number knowing that as soon as I reached her she would have a team of prayer warriors on their knees lifting Lori up in prayer. "Hello," my mom answered. I could hear the caution in her voice. Why was my son or daughter-in-law calling at this early hour.

I released a deep, visceral sob but could not utter a single word.

"Is everybody okay?" she asked. I could hear the alarm in her voice. "What's wrong? Is somebody hurt?"

She was peppering me with questions but I could not fill my lungs enough to speak.

"Lori...." sob...."has"....sob...."lymphoma."

"Lymphoma?" my mom shot back. "Lymphoma! Oh my God."

"Pray," I cried. "Call your friends and start praying." Couple quick breathes. "I have to get the boys up and get them to the babysitter and get to the hospital."

"I will get people praying and then I will be over," she said.

I needed to call my dad but I did not want to scare him so I waited.

By the time I reached the hospital the doctors had started to arrive....our baby doctor, family doctor and an infectious disease doctor. All felt that this was not lymphona but a fungal infection. But the seed of cancer had been planted in my head.

So why did God speak through my daily devotional the day before and instruct me to stay vertical with Him no matter what problem I faced? God was saying, son you cannot do this alone. You are prideful and believe you can protect your family but this is bigger than you. You are independent and I love that at times but you need to become dependent. Your wheels are about to come off. Without me you will destroy yourself. With me I will cradle you and bring you through this. I will never abandon or forsake you. He was saying trust me like you never have before. Trust me no matter the outcome and He was certainly silent on outcomes.

He spoke to me because He loves me and he knows me more intimately than any human is capable. He knows that I have strong roots, that I believe in Him, that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that I seek him daily and trust Him without question. God also knows that I am a broken person and that I do not always react to problems as Christ would react. He knows that my typical reaction to intense pain or stress is anger. Anger that is sometims directed at Him. That at times I say things I don't mean like "I am never going to pray again" Or "why am I wasting my time serving God." I do not mean this but am much like a child that talks back to his parents. And God knows my heart, knew that my reaction would be to run from Him like Forrest Gump instead of running to Him so he he orchestrated a few words in a daily devotion to get my attention as I faced the most serious trial of my life.

What was God really saying in those few words? He was telling me to trust Him, to come to Him for strength. He was telling me that He does not cause pain, suffering, cancer or death but that we live in a fallen world where pain, suffering, cancer and death are a reality for many people. That I should not blame Him. He was telling me that He created us to live forever but Adam and Eve blew it in the Garden of Eden (as I would have also). He was grabbing my hand to prevent me from running much like a father will grab his child's hand to prevent them from darting into a busy street. I was about to enter a dangerous intersection in my life and He wanted me to know that He loved me even though my life was about to unravel.

I challenge you right now to dig deep and plant your roots in the word of God. Storms are coming, that I can promise. Without roots in Christ you will not survive emotionally, psychologically or physically. If I had waited to seek a relationship with Christ until the wheels came off then I would not be writing this blog but would be seeking relief for my pain in work, women or alcohol. I find great comfort in the words of King David, a man after God's own heart: " But I am like an olive tree, flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints (Psalms 52: 8-9)."

The foundation of my home was rocked but it still stands. I still believe.

I Still Believe

I have received hundreds of emails, letters and phone calls over the past six weeks concerning my well being and the well being of my children, primarily Logan and Evan as our daughter DeLaney is too young to understand. Condolences are flowing in from friends, family, business partners and acquaintances and are filled with words of encouragement, uplifting scriptures or just a simple note to let us know they are praying for us. Close friends are asking, "how are you doing?" I can hear the trepidation in their voice or sense the caution in their writing. The question is a tough one to ask because they are unsure what the answer might be. Or they fear that by asking it will somehow cause me more pain. I appreciate the genuine concern but you will not offend or hurt me by asking. Lori is never far from my mind. Work, kids, and the busyness of life offer momentary reprieves from my constant thinking and loneliness. I am not trying to block this from my mind. Deny reality. I want to grieve and hopefully heal so that my children can feel comfortable coming to me to talk about their mother because I want them to know everything about her.

From the moment we sensed something was wrong with Lori, I felt God's calling to journal and make notes, so I did. I had no idea why he was asking me to do this because I felt we were dealing with a horrible case of pneumonia. I was obedient and now I believe God wants me to offer a picture of what we are experiencing and more importantly what He is doing in my life. I will offer a glimpse into the devastation of losing a wife at forty-one. I will open my heart and share raw emotions which are at times heavily laced with anger and embarrassing to share. I have learned that God is big enough to handle my childlike outbursts and continues to walk with me side by side. I intend to write several times a week to provide an outlet for my grieving, but more importantly to allow God to work through me and provide hope and encouragement to you or someone facing a similar trial. So here we go.

October 7, 2008 was the most devastating day of my life. Time literally stood still. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the loss of your thirty-nine year-old wife, soul mate and mother of your children. Nothing. Hollywood cannot accurately portray what it is like to watch your bride, the absolute love of your life, take her final breath and pass from this earth. A myriad of emotions swallowed me....fear, anger, intense sadness and despair. Is there any peace knowing Lori is in heaven? Absolutely and without a doubt. But, it does not replace the loss of the woman I was convinced I would grow old with. I was supposed to grow old with. The only woman that I have ever revealed my heart to. It was all so surreal. Is this really happening to me? Why me? I am no angel, but I have been obedient to God. I have chosen the right road instead of the easy road in many personal and professional choices. Why me?

Death is something that I have experienced up close as I spent many years as a police officer and violent crime detective. I have looked into the lifeless face of children and adults and stood and held back tears at a crime scene where a fellow officer was needlessly killed. What I have learned is that when death comes home, it is so much different. The death of a love one stings deep and penetrates the cavernous regions of your soul.

Laura Lynn McCarty (Lori to me) was an absolutely perfect gift from God. We started dating twenty years ago as two young pups barely into our twenties. Her brown eyes and angelic smile melted and stole my heart. Love at first sight is too cliche. But I can tell you that I could not get enough of her. I had never dated anyone like her. Honestly, to this day I have never met anyone like her. As two kids we heard the same thing from our parents, "you guys are too young to get married." I know we are to honor our parents, but what did they know? If we had waited, we would have deprived ourselves of many special years together. God's timing is always right on. Never early but also never late. Always perfect. I believe God will provide healing, and one day I will be able to thank Him from the depths of my soul for the twenty years we had together and how I am a much better person for the time we had together. I am not there yet. I am still selfish and focusing on what I lost, not what a wonderful gift God entrusted me with.

So the big question everybody wants to know is, "How are you doing?" The honest answer is I am doing okay. Not great, that's for sure. Good? Sometimes during the day I am doing good, sharing a laugh at work or joking with the kids. But other moments I hear a song, catch a smell as I walk into our closet, glance at a photograph or simply look at my sons and try to comprehend how much they lost and I am a blob on the floor- completely overcome with the devastation and loss. At these times it feels like a two ton elephant is sitting on my chest as I try to breathe. The reality is that most of the day is just okay. I have received plenty of well meaning advice to live day by day and not look too far ahead. I long for that day. Right now I am living moment by moment. In the weeks after Lori's death I was living minute by minute. I look forward to the day when I am living day by day.

The good news is that God is providing. He promises to never give us more than we can handle. I have questioned him relentlessly on this as it feels I have more than I can handle. I know from "the outside looking in" this looks like more than a person could handle, but I am here to tell you it is not more than I can handle with God and with the help of our family (mine and Lori's). From the moment Lori was diagnosed, our family has placed their lives on hold and taken us under their wings. What a testimony to see God working through them to provide for me and my family. I have been given more than I want to handle but not more than I can handle. "It is what it is" is what Lori would say. I do not understand why any of this happened but one thing is true: I must continue to live and move forward. God clearly has a purpose for my life that has not been accomplished because I am still here. I have to live because I have three young children depending on their daddy to protect them, to provide for them and to love them. I have to live because I have a business which God has anointed and several employees that depend on the business to provide for their family. I have to live because Lori told me to live, to not give up, to take care of our children, to not lose faith and to share the gospel with those who don't know Jesus Christ. I am living, grieving and healing and for the first time in my life every decision I make is focused on the Kingdom of God.

The nagging question late at night or early in the morning is why did God call my bride home to Heaven. I am human and have a need to understand why this was allowed to happen. I have literally screamed out to God in anger and demanded an answer. I have slammed my fist on tables and raised the same fist to God and pleaded with him to tell me why He would do this to me and my children. To explain to me how I could possibly raise two young boys and a baby girl on my own. How He could allow my little boys to lose their mother and suffer through life without her love and influence. How if He loves me so much He could allow me to hurt so deeply. How He could provide such a wonderful bride, life partner and mother and then take her in the prime of her life. How anything good could come from something so devastating and bad. And almost from the moment Lori passed from this life God has been whispering in my ear Isaiah 55: 8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I may never understand until I am called to Heaven, but I trust God to bring me through this and restore me. I trust God and readily acquiesce I am not capable of comprehending the enormity of eternity, Heaven and God's ways. I trust God that his ways are a million times better than my ways.

As I continue to grieve, the pain deep and consistent, I want everyone to know that I still believe in God, even more so than I did six months ago. From the tips of my toes to the top of my head I absolutely hate what I am going through. If I could scream "uncle" and the pain would disappear then I would scream until my lungs collapsed. I would do anything to remove myself from this desert. Pain has a way of driving us to our knees and causes us to cry out for help and I have learned that I really have two choices. I can run from God and become bitter. Or I can run to God for peace and strength. I choose to run to God and take him at his word in 1 Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I still believe.