I Still Believe

I have received hundreds of emails, letters and phone calls over the past six weeks concerning my well being and the well being of my children, primarily Logan and Evan as our daughter DeLaney is too young to understand. Condolences are flowing in from friends, family, business partners and acquaintances and are filled with words of encouragement, uplifting scriptures or just a simple note to let us know they are praying for us. Close friends are asking, "how are you doing?" I can hear the trepidation in their voice or sense the caution in their writing. The question is a tough one to ask because they are unsure what the answer might be. Or they fear that by asking it will somehow cause me more pain. I appreciate the genuine concern but you will not offend or hurt me by asking. Lori is never far from my mind. Work, kids, and the busyness of life offer momentary reprieves from my constant thinking and loneliness. I am not trying to block this from my mind. Deny reality. I want to grieve and hopefully heal so that my children can feel comfortable coming to me to talk about their mother because I want them to know everything about her.

From the moment we sensed something was wrong with Lori, I felt God's calling to journal and make notes, so I did. I had no idea why he was asking me to do this because I felt we were dealing with a horrible case of pneumonia. I was obedient and now I believe God wants me to offer a picture of what we are experiencing and more importantly what He is doing in my life. I will offer a glimpse into the devastation of losing a wife at forty-one. I will open my heart and share raw emotions which are at times heavily laced with anger and embarrassing to share. I have learned that God is big enough to handle my childlike outbursts and continues to walk with me side by side. I intend to write several times a week to provide an outlet for my grieving, but more importantly to allow God to work through me and provide hope and encouragement to you or someone facing a similar trial. So here we go.

October 7, 2008 was the most devastating day of my life. Time literally stood still. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the loss of your thirty-nine year-old wife, soul mate and mother of your children. Nothing. Hollywood cannot accurately portray what it is like to watch your bride, the absolute love of your life, take her final breath and pass from this earth. A myriad of emotions swallowed me....fear, anger, intense sadness and despair. Is there any peace knowing Lori is in heaven? Absolutely and without a doubt. But, it does not replace the loss of the woman I was convinced I would grow old with. I was supposed to grow old with. The only woman that I have ever revealed my heart to. It was all so surreal. Is this really happening to me? Why me? I am no angel, but I have been obedient to God. I have chosen the right road instead of the easy road in many personal and professional choices. Why me?

Death is something that I have experienced up close as I spent many years as a police officer and violent crime detective. I have looked into the lifeless face of children and adults and stood and held back tears at a crime scene where a fellow officer was needlessly killed. What I have learned is that when death comes home, it is so much different. The death of a love one stings deep and penetrates the cavernous regions of your soul.

Laura Lynn McCarty (Lori to me) was an absolutely perfect gift from God. We started dating twenty years ago as two young pups barely into our twenties. Her brown eyes and angelic smile melted and stole my heart. Love at first sight is too cliche. But I can tell you that I could not get enough of her. I had never dated anyone like her. Honestly, to this day I have never met anyone like her. As two kids we heard the same thing from our parents, "you guys are too young to get married." I know we are to honor our parents, but what did they know? If we had waited, we would have deprived ourselves of many special years together. God's timing is always right on. Never early but also never late. Always perfect. I believe God will provide healing, and one day I will be able to thank Him from the depths of my soul for the twenty years we had together and how I am a much better person for the time we had together. I am not there yet. I am still selfish and focusing on what I lost, not what a wonderful gift God entrusted me with.

So the big question everybody wants to know is, "How are you doing?" The honest answer is I am doing okay. Not great, that's for sure. Good? Sometimes during the day I am doing good, sharing a laugh at work or joking with the kids. But other moments I hear a song, catch a smell as I walk into our closet, glance at a photograph or simply look at my sons and try to comprehend how much they lost and I am a blob on the floor- completely overcome with the devastation and loss. At these times it feels like a two ton elephant is sitting on my chest as I try to breathe. The reality is that most of the day is just okay. I have received plenty of well meaning advice to live day by day and not look too far ahead. I long for that day. Right now I am living moment by moment. In the weeks after Lori's death I was living minute by minute. I look forward to the day when I am living day by day.

The good news is that God is providing. He promises to never give us more than we can handle. I have questioned him relentlessly on this as it feels I have more than I can handle. I know from "the outside looking in" this looks like more than a person could handle, but I am here to tell you it is not more than I can handle with God and with the help of our family (mine and Lori's). From the moment Lori was diagnosed, our family has placed their lives on hold and taken us under their wings. What a testimony to see God working through them to provide for me and my family. I have been given more than I want to handle but not more than I can handle. "It is what it is" is what Lori would say. I do not understand why any of this happened but one thing is true: I must continue to live and move forward. God clearly has a purpose for my life that has not been accomplished because I am still here. I have to live because I have three young children depending on their daddy to protect them, to provide for them and to love them. I have to live because I have a business which God has anointed and several employees that depend on the business to provide for their family. I have to live because Lori told me to live, to not give up, to take care of our children, to not lose faith and to share the gospel with those who don't know Jesus Christ. I am living, grieving and healing and for the first time in my life every decision I make is focused on the Kingdom of God.

The nagging question late at night or early in the morning is why did God call my bride home to Heaven. I am human and have a need to understand why this was allowed to happen. I have literally screamed out to God in anger and demanded an answer. I have slammed my fist on tables and raised the same fist to God and pleaded with him to tell me why He would do this to me and my children. To explain to me how I could possibly raise two young boys and a baby girl on my own. How He could allow my little boys to lose their mother and suffer through life without her love and influence. How if He loves me so much He could allow me to hurt so deeply. How He could provide such a wonderful bride, life partner and mother and then take her in the prime of her life. How anything good could come from something so devastating and bad. And almost from the moment Lori passed from this life God has been whispering in my ear Isaiah 55: 8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I may never understand until I am called to Heaven, but I trust God to bring me through this and restore me. I trust God and readily acquiesce I am not capable of comprehending the enormity of eternity, Heaven and God's ways. I trust God that his ways are a million times better than my ways.

As I continue to grieve, the pain deep and consistent, I want everyone to know that I still believe in God, even more so than I did six months ago. From the tips of my toes to the top of my head I absolutely hate what I am going through. If I could scream "uncle" and the pain would disappear then I would scream until my lungs collapsed. I would do anything to remove myself from this desert. Pain has a way of driving us to our knees and causes us to cry out for help and I have learned that I really have two choices. I can run from God and become bitter. Or I can run to God for peace and strength. I choose to run to God and take him at his word in 1 Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I still believe.