Staying Vertical With God

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His." George McDonald

I am going to back up about five months, grab your hand and walk you through the most painful event in my life, exposing deep pain but also sharing how God has been at my side from the moment I felt something could be seriously wrong with Lori. I am trusting God and relying not on my strength or understanding. Much of what I will share over the next few months I would much rather keep to myself because my thoughts, reactions and emotions are at times embarrasing and ugly. I am human and fear how some may judge me. However, God has asked me to be obedient, to trust Him and to act as a vessel to expose my suffering but also to display the depth of love and healing He will provide. I want you to understand that God is real, consistent and never waivering. God promises in Psalms 34:18 that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit." I am living proof of this truth.

Well, give me your hand and let's take a walk.

June 16, 2008 started out very uneventfully. I was up early, couple quick cups of coffee, a quick read of the newspaper and then I slipped out of the queit house to allow my eight-month-pregnant bride and our boys more time to sleep. Nothing more peaceful than a house filled with sleeping kids. It was a beautiful summer morning, birds chirping and sun shining. My commute to work is a whopping four minutes. I am a creature of habit and this day was no different. I walked into my office, booted my computer and then reached for my Bible and devotional. I start every day with my Bible reading and daily devotional. Good stuff in before the junk of the day begins to overwhelm.

I flipped to the daily devotion and began to read the words though my mind was wandering to the tasks in front of me- email, phone calls and meetings. I pushed through the devotion, like I have on numerous other days, trying to get to the end and check it off my to-do-list. Satisfy the daily obligation then get on with the busy day. Then I got to the last line and God jumped off the page and grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me back to reality: "No matter what problem you face today, stay vertical with God." What a powerful statement. He had my attention. Crud, what problem is coming my way? Are we going to lose a client today? In a million years I would have never guessed it would be the first day that I would hear the word cancer and my wife's name mentioned in the same sentence.

As the day progressed, the words continued to echo in my head but by late afternoon the day seemed productive and without incident except Lori had called and said she felt the pneumonia from last month had not cleared and she was going to the doctor. The doctor ordered a chest x-ray and said they would call later with the results.

I walked in the house at 5PM, ate quickly and then we hustled to get the boys to our church- Northview Christian Church- for the kickoff of Vacation Bible School. We signed the boys in, got them situated and then went home to finish some chores. The doctor had left a message and said it was indeed pneumonia and had spread to another lobe of her lung and she could either come to the hospital tonight or in the morning. We talked and decided it made more sense to get checked in and start IV antibiotics and get this kicked so I went with her to Hendricks Regional and sat with her as she started the admitting process. At a little before 9PM I gave her a kiss, rubbed her belly and the baby growing inside her then went to pick up the boys and get them home and in bed.

The following morning I was up at 5:50AM and then the telephone rang at 6 AM. I was sitting in our living room rubbing sleep from my eyes and trying to muster the energy to make a pot of coffee. I looked at the caller ID and it was Hendricks Regional Hospital so I knew Lori was checking in to see how we had slept. Little early, but she knows I am an early riser. No big deal, or so I thought.

"Mike,...." Her voice was even, controlled and focused for such an early hour. Very unusual and I sensed it immediately.

"Yes," I answered with trepidation.

"I need you to call your mom and have her call all her friends and start praying."

Praying? For what? I thought. Pneumonia can be nasty but nothing antibiotics cannot cure in a perfectly healthy young woman.

"Why?" I asked.

"The ER doctor reviewed the chest xray and noticed some abnormalities with my lymph nodes in my chest," said Lori. Her voice was calm and emotionless. No sense of fear. "So they did a CT scan about midnight. It's lymphoma."

I was trying to process a CT Scan then it sunk in that she had said lymphoma.

"Lymphona," I said. Sleep had escaped my eyes and I was now sitting up. "What do you mean lymphoma?"

"It's lymphoma," she replied. "They are probably going to deliver baby DeLaney in the next couple days and start treatment."

Holy crud! My mind was racing in twenty different directions. Lymphona is cancer. Cancer kills people. My wife has cancer? DeLaney is not ready to be born. She is a month away from due date. We have two boys. My wife has never been sick. They have read this wrong. This is a country hospital, what do these doctors know? Come on God, I am Mike McCarty, this cannot happen to my family. Remember, we serve you. This happens to other people, not us. Come on God you see my two boys. You know how much I love her. You wouldn't do this to my wife. You would not allow this to happen to our kids. She is pregnant. Can't be happening. No way.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut by a two ton gorilla. I tried to breathe but nothing was coming in and nothing was going out of my lungs. I have felt fear on numerous occassions as a police officer while wrestling a gun from the hands of a man we were trying to arrest (and he later killed a fellow officer). I felt fear on September 11, 2001 as I stood in a federal building in Washington D.C. and awaited an afternoon meeting at the Pentagon and then the terror strikes began. I felt fear as I made my way through a sea of hundreds of thousands of people fleeing Washington D.C. but I had no place to go. But I have never felt such a debilitating fear in my life as what I was feeling at that moment in my quiet living room. Fight or flight. I had always been able to focus and fight. Not now. I felt the fear knocking me to the ground. I was freaking out. Totally out of character for me. I pride myself on being the protector of my family and I had no idea what to do.

Calmly, Lori said, "it is okay" which was for me. Always worrying about everybody else. They had told her she had lymphoma at midnight but she waited until 6 am to call because she wanted me to get a good nights sleep. So my bride, eight months pregnant, sat in an emergency room all night after being diagnosed with cancer. All by herself.

I dialed my mom's number knowing that as soon as I reached her she would have a team of prayer warriors on their knees lifting Lori up in prayer. "Hello," my mom answered. I could hear the caution in her voice. Why was my son or daughter-in-law calling at this early hour.

I released a deep, visceral sob but could not utter a single word.

"Is everybody okay?" she asked. I could hear the alarm in her voice. "What's wrong? Is somebody hurt?"

She was peppering me with questions but I could not fill my lungs enough to speak.

"Lori...." sob...."has"....sob...."lymphoma."

"Lymphoma?" my mom shot back. "Lymphoma! Oh my God."

"Pray," I cried. "Call your friends and start praying." Couple quick breathes. "I have to get the boys up and get them to the babysitter and get to the hospital."

"I will get people praying and then I will be over," she said.

I needed to call my dad but I did not want to scare him so I waited.

By the time I reached the hospital the doctors had started to arrive....our baby doctor, family doctor and an infectious disease doctor. All felt that this was not lymphona but a fungal infection. But the seed of cancer had been planted in my head.

So why did God speak through my daily devotional the day before and instruct me to stay vertical with Him no matter what problem I faced? God was saying, son you cannot do this alone. You are prideful and believe you can protect your family but this is bigger than you. You are independent and I love that at times but you need to become dependent. Your wheels are about to come off. Without me you will destroy yourself. With me I will cradle you and bring you through this. I will never abandon or forsake you. He was saying trust me like you never have before. Trust me no matter the outcome and He was certainly silent on outcomes.

He spoke to me because He loves me and he knows me more intimately than any human is capable. He knows that I have strong roots, that I believe in Him, that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that I seek him daily and trust Him without question. God also knows that I am a broken person and that I do not always react to problems as Christ would react. He knows that my typical reaction to intense pain or stress is anger. Anger that is sometims directed at Him. That at times I say things I don't mean like "I am never going to pray again" Or "why am I wasting my time serving God." I do not mean this but am much like a child that talks back to his parents. And God knows my heart, knew that my reaction would be to run from Him like Forrest Gump instead of running to Him so he he orchestrated a few words in a daily devotion to get my attention as I faced the most serious trial of my life.

What was God really saying in those few words? He was telling me to trust Him, to come to Him for strength. He was telling me that He does not cause pain, suffering, cancer or death but that we live in a fallen world where pain, suffering, cancer and death are a reality for many people. That I should not blame Him. He was telling me that He created us to live forever but Adam and Eve blew it in the Garden of Eden (as I would have also). He was grabbing my hand to prevent me from running much like a father will grab his child's hand to prevent them from darting into a busy street. I was about to enter a dangerous intersection in my life and He wanted me to know that He loved me even though my life was about to unravel.

I challenge you right now to dig deep and plant your roots in the word of God. Storms are coming, that I can promise. Without roots in Christ you will not survive emotionally, psychologically or physically. If I had waited to seek a relationship with Christ until the wheels came off then I would not be writing this blog but would be seeking relief for my pain in work, women or alcohol. I find great comfort in the words of King David, a man after God's own heart: " But I am like an olive tree, flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints (Psalms 52: 8-9)."

The foundation of my home was rocked but it still stands. I still believe.